I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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