nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
