I can tuck mytits in my pants
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
