I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I have post one night stand depression
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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