Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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