she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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