I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
