Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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