my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
