I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
