im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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