I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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