you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
