You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
