You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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