I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
