I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
