My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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