nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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