im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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