I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
