I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
