I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
