HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
