trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
