I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
