i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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