new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
