Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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