Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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