I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
