I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
