I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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