my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
