Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
