Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
