If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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