Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
