So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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