when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize