She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
