I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
