the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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