I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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