Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
