Just took my morning after pill in the library
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
