I think im going to throw up on grandma
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
