her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
