My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
