I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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