The maid of honor just puked.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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