pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
