When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He did a backflip because drugs
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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