She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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