I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I puked a lego.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize