I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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