obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
