The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
